have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
