if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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