i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
