How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
