Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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