I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize