My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
