Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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