I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
