If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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