she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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