Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
