he told me I talked like a deaf person
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
