Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
