What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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