a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize