I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
