Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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