I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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