Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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