I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
