I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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