He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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