Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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