What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
