My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
