You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
