The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
