just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
