I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
