Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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