I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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