If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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