She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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