i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
