Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
