dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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