she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
