if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
