Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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