Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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