$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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