I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
