A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We have started to decorate penises.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
