there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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