Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
