masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
