Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Randomize
