I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize