maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
