i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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