Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
