I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
