So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
someone threw a dead crab at me
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
