Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
