I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
