Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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